I am so going to save up. I want to buy a camera. YES. any camera digital. Im just gon save till 5 or 600. so that would like take at least two . 3 months, excluding june as I already spent half of it and anyway I dont think I can save up the rest. or better still, working. ah man. Imma get myself a camera for my own birthday's present. haha how pathetic.Aint no way Im going to ask my parents for that. I mean like HELLO. I 'couldnt do simple things' they 'asked' me ' to do when all of ' my ' needs are met' [ words in italic are quoted from you-should-know-who]. Screw it. screw 'em. or rather, screw me.

JESSS - SSSSEEE so uncool. I just hope none of you is his fan. He acts like a big fuck. and Im just thankful that he got punk'd.

They never countdown days. Not for me at least. they are too caught up with their lives.

I am never right.
Im wrong by trying to cut down our spending.
Its my fault that theres no communication between me and their loveliest son.
Its dumb of me to say the truth that we're drifting.
Im to blamed for their failure of raising their loveliest kid.
Im just always wrong.

all those thing that I did, lead to no avail. what can I say. they only love him.
and whatever I do, it always is wrong. and I am to blamed for everything. it never is her fault, let alone hers. Its always mine.

they were saying indirectly that nothing goes right in my hand. I couldnt do nothing more than sleeping. they also were indirectly saying no matter how hard I try to please them, their loveliest son will always comes first. its like, when me and their loveliest son are drowning, they would save him first. because hey, look at him, tall handsome and all those fucking shits that fucked me. and compare him to me, what am I, ugly lil shit who wouldnt get no one's second glance no matter how hard she tries.

whatever. go on and BITCH about me. BLAME me for every single fucking things that fucked you for all I care. I 've reached a point where Im already numb of all these since the day when you've decided to let me go.

I aint going to take care of your fucking loveliest son. if you cant, then dont call yourself parents of him. Hes old enough to decide what he wants to do.

Im just so fucking whacked by all these.

Dont come and talk to me about family relationship we're in. I supposed I know better about it than you do. You dont even know we're drifting apart, huh? you're like not more than someone who provide us money, and our lecturer who always talk about the same old shit. and Im not more than someone who you shall call at least once in a month, not because your feelings towards me, but because you just have to. Have you ever contemplate about this thing will ever happen before you let go of us. No. Our future is what mostly takes up the space in your mind. You think that things will ever be the same always, like forever and ever? Are you out of your mind. You hardly know whats going on in my life, the same goes to me. you know, you should open your pretty eyes and look around. Do you still ask me about how things are happening like how you did when I was in primary 4, and that was like the last lunch I had with you? Do you know how am I doing in school ?. no, my old folks, you dont. I know none more than you're struggling back there, working. I dont know nothing more. Sometimes I ponder, what went wrong? since when all these things're changing? over what incident? the one you couldnt fetch me and left me alone at airport in I-wish-I-know city, or the one that you always not home when Im back there?. sigh.

but no worries, when I grow older, I will, and I mean I really will, take care of you my old folks. I will still call you folks, and if Im well-to-do, I will pay for everything you my old folks want. I swear I will. because no matter how, I would still cry if you my old folks nowhere near me. thats a lifetime promise.

Nothing much's going on in my life. wait. Did I type life? I dont even know whether or not I have one. The same old daily routine I do : school, sleep, bathe, eat, books. And it is always the same old things besides me : 1.5 l of green tea, a glass and ( when Im wealthy) a plate of egg-sandwich.and Like every other students, I always think that there is more to life than just to score well in your exams, but I just couldn't find whats the livelier thing.

Exams has finally ended. and They returned what're ours. so now, it is time for the 4-time-a-year-worries. Yes. whether or not our parents have to drop by SSS to see our teachers and talk about anything but our good behaviour. My form teacher hasn't show her nose in school yet. No one knows whats happening, but we infer that its because of some mom-to-be thing going on.

POA. Emaths. Amaths. comb Science. English.
I will not drop these. but, Maybe I would. I'd be glad to drop POA hence I dont need to study so freakingly hard just before the paper, nonetheless, its a crucial subject if I want to be an accountant. I'd be just as willing to drop my Amaths so I dont have to stare blankly at my done-paper and become contrite for not studying harder- or way harder -, but its like one of many subjects that can impress people, some people think that you're a smart ass just because you take up Amaths as though you really can do every single maths qns when the truth is your brain is equally big as anyone's. and It is so sickening to live in uncertainty.I will straight away say yes, if Im asked whether I want to drop PE.

Pizza. chicken drumlets. chips. and more snacks.
with these things, tell me, how am I supposed to do it?
but heck with it. I had fun. =]

' I understand how you feel, Linda. Things just seem wrong at the moment, don't they ? You feel like you're thinking in slow motion and getting up in the morning is a real effort. You're crying a lot either at nothing or something that normally would be insignificant. When you smile it feels stiff and awkward, as if your muscles are frozen . . . '

Linda looks up at me, with her eyes wide.

' You feel as though there's a glass wall between you and the rest of the world. You're anxious and jumpy. You have these thoughts of death or suicide, which you think would be a welcome relief . . .'

Linda begins crying.


I just cant breathe easily. not that easy.
its suffocating me.

Im saying this loud and clear to myself : I am jealous of everything that she has.
yes. of course. what for Im jealous of others, I mean, God made us being different from one another, but I just cant deprive myself from doing it. Seriously, I need help.

I passed my Poa.

I hope. haha.
Anyway, Im not too far from the passing mark. yes. at least something derived from my everyday-study schedule. yes. I failed. but Im happy about that. I mean like, of course if you told that to serene, she will goes like ' whats the big deal man'. but yes, it is to me. at least I know that I am capable of passing if I would just study harder.

I failed my Amaths. yes. failed.
whatever, there's always next term. not much passed anyway. those who passed gotta be genuinely smart or something.

tomorrow. yes tomorrow. how?
argh. screw it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMMMMMMMMMMMY

The 2nd.

Nope, I dont need thousand roses from you making me touched.
Having you standing by my side is more than enough.
and Love, I thank God for you.

but still, if you give me a rose, I wouldnt reject it. haha

if I could not remember anything and nothing,would you remember those for me instead ?

se7en is so less nice than rain. I know. but hey, if I could not see the moon, a star will do aint it?
the way they dance makes you go rarhh.
=]

Ive been paying $50 a week just to eat trashes made by my good-for-nth maid. and for screaming out loud, you called that food? puh-lease.

sway with me.

lets just face the fact that I have no goddamn brain. no brain. brainless. yes.

fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it
. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it

I got a big goddamn C for both of my goddamn papers.

screw it. screw it. screw it. screw it. screw it. screw it. screw it. screw it. screw it. screw it. screw it. screw it. screw it. screw it. screw it. screw it.screw it. screw it. screw it.screw it. screw it. screw it

lets just face the fact that no matter how hard I try I would never get away from the 'stupid bimbo' impression.

and lets another fact that no one needs me. None. zero. no one.

arghhh.

Fuckingly-serious -ly speaking, you have no idea of what I want, too.

okay. so today didnt turn out to be what I thought it would be. but hey, it was a hell lot of fun.

fish n co con-whatever-ra spaghetti is so not nice. but its not a dog food, if it is they wouldnt sell it.
po-whatever-se was weird. I dont even know whats the story about, except that there's this group of people who're trying to survive. Titanic is wayyyy nicer.
starbucks guy makes you go mad when he talks.

=]

Fuckingly - serious -ly speaking. I have no idea of what you really really want.

I cant sleep.
not that I want.
and not that I do not want.
I just cant sleep.
I dont know what I want to do.
Is it sleeping that people do in this unearthly hours ?
everything seems so unearthly.

Just take 'em. take what the hell is left of me. I do not need any. but not that I dont.

I thought I am so needed.
seems that, I think too much.
life wouldnt be a worse place w/o me.

whoooooo atttttt?

jo and vien dropped by my house. our intention, or mines and jos, was to study. but argh. FULL HOUSE IS like so NICE. yea yea. haha. so we watched and watched 1 dvd, which is 720 mins. its been such a century since I spent and ENJOY times with jo. yea. frankly I could never enjoy outings with her friends who never can be kicked out from my sight.

its fun cursing the girl who tried to seduce the main character after she's just turn him down.
its fun looking at their cuteness.
its fun munching merci while watching. and eat practically everything that we saw edible.
it was a hell lot of fun.

the night was none worse.
playground playground.
=]

I miss HAILEY.

when Im being replaced, all I want to do is to hide my head under my pillow and scream.
when Im being replaced, I so want to kill that replacement.
when Im being replaced, I so want to kill you, for replacing me, too.
when Im being replaced, nothing seems as colorful as it used to be.
when Im being replaced, you wont reply my msgs nor answer my calls.
when Im being replaced, I dont stand tall on the ground no more.
when Im being replaced, my pride diffuses and makes me got no points to live.
when Im being replaced, I want to drink 10 1.5 bottles of green tea at one go.
when Im being replaced, I lose my appetite.
when Im being replaced, you're saying that Im a sore loser.
when Im being replaced, that means I dont say iloveu as much as I should.

when you're being replaced, I would jump, scream and laugh in joy.
when you're being replaced, it means I love your replacement more than I do to you.
when you're being replaced, you're forgotten.
when you're being replaced, I dont talk about you with joanne no more.
when you're being replaced, my inbox aint full of your msgs.
when you're being replaced, I dont write your name on my hand any more.
when you're being replaced, I dont view your friensdter profile no more.
when you're being replaced, Im saying you're a sore loser.
when you're being replaced, that means I have no more donkey business to do with you.

day w/o Hailey was aint no fun day.
day with joanne was okay.
day with foolfucks was terrifying.
day which full of me being so sickeningly irritating was finally over.

I shouldnt be blogging until exams over. but the heck with it.

you know how much I hate today? as much as how many plants are there in this fucking world. YES. today 3rd of may. one of hailey's parent's bday.

started off with me being such a faggot. I fall asleep and I had no time to study, as the next time I woke up, its already 6 fucking AM. yeah what the fuck. I was so fucking whacked. and then followed by my P fucking O goddamn Ass. it fucked me like a fucking fuck. two and half hours thats full of sighing and cursing. knowing that after 2months of every-day-study POA doesnt help, really make me wanna fuck the poa-inventor. what the fuck is up? I have a small brain or what. and then followed by some dumbfucks trying to shoot up by acting like a fucking fool. Im not being sarcastic, they're nice. they just dont think of 'emselves, they even think of me, YEAH the fucking me. that whole fucking lot of asses stared at us as if like they have never seen such a creature before. fucking decent of them. Lets just be frank. I hate busibodies to the the fucking smallest ass-bone of yours. what the fuck is your problem asses. dont act like as if you just been born yester-fucking-day.

Im gon feel my poa. I accept no objection. I know I will.Im not being pessimistic or whatsoever shit. I told myself that I can do it, Yes I can, I just need to have a str0ng courage to. but the fuck with it. Im still a loser after all those midnight-burning anyway.

today is like the worst day of my life. the fucking unchanted day.

there's this people-called retarted guy in my school. I dont say he's retarded. he is more like lonely to me. very very indeed. its not an unusual sight seeing him walking alone wherever you are,smiling at you with either a pure genuine delight cause you're staring at him or maybe a pervertic smile, and I just hope its the first one, and he will wave at you. but instead of getting a reply, people would laugh or even run away as you're scared. if I was given a chance, I would be him for a day. yes. I would. I would like to feel literally putting myself in a position in which no one is your friend, no one would smile back at you eventhough you know 'em, and where you get bullied practically every single days of your life, and you couldnt care less. you would just keep smiling to whoever's near you and give fuckcare to whatever they had done to you. solemnly.I want. just for a day. and I would give him his no-worries day back.I promise I would. I just need something to keep me sane, to keep me thinking that everybody's life is good,and God planned 'em all. and He has a reason for all of these things.